Life of Pie

My pie was less pretty, but a lot more substantial than this stock image.

Being someone who suffers from depression, as I am (I know because a Doctor told me, plus… all the misery and sadness) I can testify to its soul-emptying, spirit-depriving heartlessness. It’s every bit as bad as people say it is. At its worst it can be fatal; at its best it can just be a drag, but it’s never far away. Like being paralyzed, or having Cancer, it never lets you forget. My own depression tends to filter out all the joy, and light, and hope in my life, and leave whatever’s left.  It’s like numbness, but with pain.

Having said that, however, it would be remiss of me to say it doesn’t have some (albeit minor) positives; slivers of silver linings, if you will. For instance, nobody ever questions why you’re still in your pajamas at 1 o’clock in the afternoon. And if, say, you want to eat pie for breakfast, you can just damn well eat pie for breakfast. I ate pie for breakfast today, and it was delicious – my salty tears adding an extra frisson of flavor. It was banoffee pie for those wondering, made by yours truly. I would post up the recipe, but, well… google.

Of course there’s something inherently depressing in itself about eating pie for breakfast. It suggests a very faint sense of hopelessness (unless you’re hungover, in which case, knock your socks off…) It’s like a vain search for something, anything; that sugary hit to squeeze out a few more drops of dopamine or serotonin from my arid synapses. It’s like, “everything sucks, but fuck you, I’m having pie for breakfast!” A rebellion of sorts.  But really you’re just sitting there in your pajamas staring at a blank TV eating pie while the world rotates around you.

Whenever I go to see my doctor or my therapist, I have to fill out a form with the same old questions: Have you had feelings of hopelessness since your last visit? Do you find it difficult to sleep at night? How many times have you felt depressed since your last visit? etc… I think they could shorten those forms substantially? One question: Have you recently had pie for breakfast?Yes: No.

“I think we need to increase your dosage.”